Thanksgiving is the holiday in which we reflect on the things for which we are grateful. Yes we should be grateful every day but Thanksgiving is a time to slow down and truly reflect on those things for which you are thankful. As I enter into Thanksgiving this first year without my mom, in my grief I find it hard at times to be grateful.
My thoughts trail to “this time last year my mom was with us, we were busy preparing dishes for the Thanksgiving meal”. For most of my adult years we ate the meal, cleaned up the dishes and played board games and other games as a family. I remember how I felt, how grateful I was for those times. Those thoughts make me sad, its the past and the past had my mom in it. She is no longer here and its sad.
Since my mom died there are times when I also feel guilty if I am too grateful for things. Does that mean I don’t care about my mom? I no longer miss her or love her, have I left her behind? No – being grateful for things is what my mom would want. She wants me to enjoy life, enjoy these times.
As I have been reflecting a lot on thoughts of Thanksgiving past and future times. Its hard, I was so sad and needed something to help me get through these times. So, I turned to a devotional study on handling the holidays while grieving. The words along with many other resources have helped me tremendously.
As I go through my grief there are times when I close my eyes and see myself alone, in a darkness I can’t even explain. I see myself without my mom by my side, without her at our family gatherings, without her in our world. These are overwhelming thoughts when I reflect on the past and think about the future. So overwhelming sometimes that I don’t think I can survive. My chest feels like someone is sitting on it, crushing me.
The devotional study suggested bible passages which have been helpful and comforting for me. One passage is in Matthew. Matthew 6:34 tells you to live one day at a time: “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.”
When I look at the past, I get really sad, almost overwhelmed. I need to say to myself today is a good day because…(there’s always something good in each day). My kids are healthy, the sun is shining, its cooling down…
Then when I look at the future and start thinking about things that might not go as I want them to or might simply go wrong, or how I don’t even know what the future holds for me, what place I hold in the future, where I see myself in the future, I need to think, “You know what? I’m not going there, because God isn’t walking with me there. He’s told me to stay in today.”
I need to deal with one bitter thought at a time. When bitter and overwhelming thoughts come into my mind, I repeat these words, “I’m not going there, because God isn’t walking with me there.”
So this year for Thanksgiving instead of isolating and feeling sad for what was, sad for what will no longer be I will be grateful for what is what is today. Today I have a wonderful family, special friends, the sun shines, its green and pretty outside. Flowers are blooming and I have a God who loves me no matter what.
Will I still be sad? Yes. Will I still miss my mom terribly? Of course. But I can enjoy this time of year and still miss that person who is gone. It will be a gut punch sometimes and ok other times. Someday those memories will make me smile, that time is not here yet. But when I focus on the now its much easier to make it to the next now to come.
It is a work in progress, Christmas is next. I do not feel like decorating this year, I don’t want to do the things we did in the past. But today is not Christmas. I am not going there because God isn’t walking with me there, He is walking with me here and now.
kmiller1963 